Friday, July 16, 2010

Why Twilight vampires suck, and True Blood is HOT


The new season of True Blood has started. Sunday is now the most exciting day of the week for me. I'm fairly addicted to this show, and the characters. (I went so far as to actually write some fanfiction, which I thought I would never ever do. Now I have "fans" begging me to update my epic story, so I feel kind of obligated to finish it...but I just can't get into the whole fanfiction universe thing.)

But I absolutely despise, the marketing madness that is Twilight.

I was an avid fan of Vampires when I was younger, and read every Vampires book that was in the library. That probably grew out of my obsession with mythical creatures and mysteries, as well as possibly identifying with the brooding outsider persona for a period. I dressed as a Vampire for Halloween, watched Vampire films, a Vampire themed TV show, and fantasized about meeting a Vampire in disguise. (My fantasies were probably about as Lame as the plot of Twilight.) If you had told me back then, that a future was coming in which Vampires had come out of the realm of being favored fixations of goths, horror buff nerds, and masochistic sexually repressed women, and into the mainstream pop culture, I would have thought that was just unbelievably awesome.

Fuck you, Twilight. You have turned that loner 14 year old girl fantasy into a nightmare. I can understand if you like this series if you ARE 14. But considering it the best book ever? Being 40 and considering it the best book ever? Then you must have only read Twilight, the TV guide, and what somebody else left in the bathroom.

Twilight removes many of the essential elements the Vampire genre established, the main female character is empty and weak (emotionally and physically), and the writing is...just plain bad, to be so many peoples "fave novel of all time!"

It's a good thing True Blood came along to even out the imbalance. (It is based on a book series called the Southern Vampire Mysteries. Which is, not meant to be a great work of literature, its meant to be fun.) Unlike Twilight, which is basically just an extended version of a lame 15 year olds romantic fantasy, True Blood is filled with smart social commentary, great writing and characterization, and a talented cast.

Any sane person, would have to agree that True Blood wins over Twilight.

Here are some reasons:

The main female characters:
  • Twilight- Bella is described as being plain, clumsy, with pretty much no personality. Her entire life revolves around her Vampire boyfriend, and she wants to kill herself when he dumps her. She desperately wants to become a Vampire, so they can be "together forever". Other than that, she has no interest in a career, hobbies, or any other aspect of identity or life. All she wants is to stare at her boyfriends "perfect face". She is often helpless, and needs to be rescued.
  • True Blood- Sookie is sassy, independent, daring but naive, and has a strong sense of her morality. She has no desire to become a Vampire. She isn't on "helpless victim" standby, she's the one that gets out there and does the rescuing. 

The Vampires:

  • Twilight- They are immortal, dead, creatures, yes. But they have no fangs, no allergies, and only sparkle in the sunlight instead of bursting into flames. For some reason even though they are a century old they enjoy going to high school, and hanging out with mindless teenagers. They don't drink blood from people. They drink from Grizzlies, and other endangered large wildlife instead. They don't sleep, so at night Edward creeps into Bella's room to stare at her, and she doesn't find this creepy at all. They make being a Vampire seem exciting, because they get to play high speed baseball, live in a mansion, and pretty much do whatever they want. And still... these centenarians prefer to hang out in a high school. Which would make you question their mental stability. 
  • True Blood- More of the traditional Vampire archetype. They have fangs, they need to feed on human blood to survive (or synthetic blood), die during the daytime, have allergies to silver, and get smoky and crispy if sunlight touches their skin. (That's part of the point! You have to balance the "powerful" parts with weaknesses).They are "out of the coffin" and try to fit in with normal society, but their blood has become an illegal drug because it gets people high. Sometimes they are kidnapped so humans can suck their blood.

Vampire Characters:
  • Edward Cullen is a weakling that was dying of the Spanish flu. He is polite, can read minds (but apparently that makes no difference, because he never really does anything with his power), plays the piano, and doesn't really seem to have much internal motivation except for brooding and gelling his hair, and finding his soulmate, with whom they can brood and do their hair together. He is an 108 year old virgin. 
  • Eric Northman is a 1,000 year old 6'5 freakin' Viking that can FLY and speaks in a sexy Swedish voice. He owns a bar called Fangtasia, and he's also a Vampire Sheriff. He is bold, cocky, mischievous, manipulative, and kills people- but he is also tactful, intelligent, playful and with a great sense of humour. He styles his hair, but also has better things to do, making the plot much more interesting. He doesn't brood. He actually enjoys being a Vampire. He has fangs and growls. He has had so much sex that he's a complete expert- for 6 hours straight. 

Eric Northman is my imaginary stalker

Also, Twilight pretty much ripped off the books True Blood are based on- which came out 4 years before Twilight. Oh, but apparently the plot of twilight "came to her in a dream".



Buffy killing Edward


45 comments:

  1. I expect you'll like the Buffy vs. Edward fan video, in which Edward gets what he deserves. I thought it was great.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  30. DO YOU WANT TO BE A VAMPIRE OR YOU WANT POWERS AND PROTECTION COME AND BE AMONG THE VAMPIRES KINGDOM TODAY AND YOU GET WHAT EVER YOU DESIRE CONTACT LORD GUMBALA AT ( gumbalavampirehome@gmail.com )
    Welcome to ( Gumbala Vampire Kingdom). Do you want to be a vampire,still in human,having talented brain turning to a vampire in a good posture in ten minutes to a human again, with out delaying in a good human posture. A world of vampire where life get easier,we have made so many persons vampires and have turned them rich,you will assured long life and prosperity,you shall be made to be very sensitive to mental alertness,stronger and also very fast,you will not be restricted to walking at night only even at the very middle of broad day light you will be made to walk, this is an opportunity to have the human vampire virus to perform in a good posture.if you are interested contact us on gumbalavampirehome@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete

  31. Welcome to ( Real Vampire Kingdom). Do you want to be a vampire,still in human,having talented brain turning to a vampire in a good posture in ten mines time to a human again, with out delaying in a good human posture. A world of vampire where life get easier,we have made so many persons vampires and have turned them rich,you will assured long life and prosperity,you shall be made to be very sensitive to mental alertness,stronger and also very fast,you will not be restricted to walking at night only even at the very middle of broad day light you will be made to walk, this is an opportunity to have the human vampire virus to perform in a good posture.if you are interested contact us on realvampirekingdom1@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  32. Vampires is not at all like in the movies or books. Sure, I understand. You are young you have the whole world open to you. You can be anything that you choose if you apply yourself and try hard to work toward that goal. But being a Vampire is not what it seems like. It’s a life full of good, and amazing things. We are as human as you are.. It’s not what you are that counts, But how you choose to be. Do you want a life full of interesting things? Do you want to have power and influence over others? To be charming and desirable? To have wealth, health, and longevity, I can help you solve any problem you are having
    (1) If you want your ex back.
    (2) If you want to stop having bad dreams.
    (3) You want to be promoted in your office.
    (4) You want women/men to run after you.
    (5) If you want a child.
    (6) You want to be rich.
    (7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.
    (8) If you need financial assistance.
    (9) If you want to stop your divorce.
    (10 If you want to divorce your husband.
    (11) If you want your wishes to be granted.
    contact the Vampires Lord on his Email: Richvampirekindom@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  33. Vampires is not at all like in the movies or books. Sure, I understand. You are young you have the whole world open to you. You can be anything that you choose if you apply yourself and try hard to work toward that goal. But being a Vampire is not what it seems like. It’s a life full of good, and amazing things. We are as human as you are.. It’s not what you are that counts, But how you choose to be. Do you want a life full of interesting things? Do you want to have power and influence over others? To be charming and desirable? To have wealth, health, and longevity, I can help you solve any problem you are having
    (1) If you want your ex back.
    (2) If you want to stop having bad dreams.
    (3) You want to be promoted in your office.
    (4) You want women/men to run after you.
    (5) If you want a child.
    (6) You want to be rich.
    (7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.
    (8) If you need financial assistance.
    (9) If you want to stop your divorce.
    (10 If you want to divorce your husband.
    (11) If you want your wishes to be granted.
    contact the Vampires Lord on his Email: Richvampirekindom@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  34. My Name is Kelly Williams from Canada, i turn to a vampire any time i want to, I become a real vampire because of how people treat me, This world is a wicked world and not fair to any body. At the snack of my finger things are made happened. Am now a powerful vampire and no one step on me without an apology goes free. I turn to human being also at any time i want to. And am one of the most dreaded and respected person in my country. i am now also very famous and rich with the help of the VAMPIRES EMPIRE. i get what ever a want. i become a vampire through the help of my friend who introduce me into a vampire Kingdom by given me their email: templeofsuccessandlove1@gmail.com, if you want to become a powerful and a real vampire kindly contact the vampire kingdom on their email: templeofsuccessandlove1@gmail.com for help. it is real. Contact them today. templeofsuccessandlove1@gmail.com.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Hello my friends, I want you all to know that becoming a vampire is not ritual or spiritual, as all this imposter’s are saying here….Last year i was scam twice and i lost a lot of money, by all this imposter’s here…Thanks to Ghandourah Hasan who later make me vampire, which i later find out that becoming a vampire is not ritual or spiritual…You can contact Ghandourah Hasan for more info: ghandourahhasan1987@gmail.com and my name is Charlie

    ReplyDelete
  36. Being a vampire is not what it seems like. It’s a life full of good, and amazing things. We are as human as you are.. It’s not what you are that counts, but how you choose to be. Do you want a life full of interesting things? Do you want to have power and influence over others? To be charming and desirable? To have wealth, health, and longevity? contact the vampires creed today via email: Richvampirekindom@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  37. Are you tired of being human, having talented brain turning to a vampire in a good posture in ten minutes, Do you want to have power and influence over others, To be charming and desirable, To have wealth, health, without delaying in a good human posture and becoming an immortal? If yes, these your chance. It's a world of vampire where life get easier,We have made so many persons vampires and have turned them rich, You will assured long life and prosperity, You shall be made to be very sensitive to mental alertness, Stronger and also very fast, You will not be restricted to walking at night only even at the very middle of broad day light you will be made to walk, This is an opportunity to have the human vampire virus to perform in a good posture. If you are interested contact us on Vampirelord7878@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  38. Welcome to ( New-World Vampire Kingdom). Do you want to be a vampire,still in human,having talented brain turning to a vampire in a good posture in ten mines time to a human again, with out delaying in a good human posture. A world of vampire where life get easier,we have made so many persons vampires and have turned them rich,you will assured long life and prosperity,you shall be made to be very sensitive to mental alertness,stronger and also very fast,you will not be restricted to walking at night only even at the very middle of broad day light you will be made to walk, this is an opportunity to have the human vampire virus to perform in a good posture.if you are interested contact us on vampireworld777@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  39. Hello my friends, I want you all to know that becoming a vampire is not ritual or spiritual, as all this imposter’s are saying here….Last year i was scam twice and i lost a lot of money, by all this imposter’s here…Thanks to Ghandourah Hasan who later make me vampire, which i later find out that becoming a vampire is not ritual or spiritual…You can contact Ghandourah Hasan for more info: ghandourahhasan1987@gmail.com and my name is charlie.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I got a blank ATM card to withdraw $5k daily for six months. I am so happy about this because i got the cloned atm card after i was scammed twice by fake hackers. I have used the card to withdraw $420k so far. Georg Bednorz Hackers is giving out the cards to help the poor and needy though it is illegal but it is something nice. No one gets caught when using this card. you can get it from Georg Bednorz Hackers today! He is kind, lovely, humble. Also, Georg Bednorz is an expert crypto trader through his trading signals, i made $1 million bitcoins, doubling my profit in 3 weeks.
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  42. I am very pleased with the help CYBER CREDIT GURU rendered in restoring my credits. I am a disabled Veteran who over the past 2 years had to let my credit go due to health priorities that were not covered by VA & other insurance, my credit scores were 514 Experian, 515 Equifax, and 518 TransUnion. No public records, only 3 open Accts but several collection Accts with Zero Balances, few Weeks ago, I ran into some Credit blogs on the net which led me to CYBER CREDIT GURU the most talked about US based Russian hacker, who tremendously repaired and upgraded my credit score to 784, 789, and 802 within the 3 Bureaus in just a Week after I contacted him. If faced with similar challenge, connect with him via: C Y B E R C R E D I T G U R U (AT) G M A I L (DOT) C O M or Call / Text: +1(650) 239 7249 you too can be helped, I recommend him without hesitation.

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