Friday, July 16, 2010

Why Twilight vampires suck, and True Blood is HOT

The new season of True Blood has started. Sunday is now the most exciting day of the week for me. I'm fairly addicted to this show, and the characters. (I went so far as to actually write some fanfiction, which I thought I would never ever do. Now I have "fans" begging me to update my epic story, so I feel kind of obligated to finish it...but I just can't get into the whole fanfiction universe thing.)

But I absolutely despise, the marketing madness that is Twilight.

I was an avid fan of Vampires when I was younger, and read every Vampires book that was in the library. That probably grew out of my obsession with mythical creatures and mysteries, as well as possibly identifying with the brooding outsider persona for a period. I dressed as a Vampire for Halloween, watched Vampire films, a Vampire themed TV show, and fantasized about meeting a Vampire in disguise. (My fantasies were probably about as Lame as the plot of Twilight.) If you had told me back then, that a future was coming in which Vampires had come out of the realm of being favored fixations of goths, horror buff nerds, and masochistic sexually repressed women, and into the mainstream pop culture, I would have thought that was just unbelievably awesome.

Fuck you, Twilight. You have turned that loner 14 year old girl fantasy into a nightmare. I can understand if you like this series if you ARE 14. But considering it the best book ever? Being 40 and considering it the best book ever? Then you must have only read Twilight, the TV guide, and what somebody else left in the bathroom.

Twilight removes many of the essential elements the Vampire genre established, the main female character is empty and weak (emotionally and physically), and the writing is...just plain bad, to be so many peoples "fave novel of all time!"

It's a good thing True Blood came along to even out the imbalance. (It is based on a book series called the Southern Vampire Mysteries. Which is, not meant to be a great work of literature, its meant to be fun.) Unlike Twilight, which is basically just an extended version of a lame 15 year olds romantic fantasy, True Blood is filled with smart social commentary, great writing and characterization, and a talented cast.

Any sane person, would have to agree that True Blood wins over Twilight.

Here are some reasons:

The main female characters:
  • Twilight- Bella is described as being plain, clumsy, with pretty much no personality. Her entire life revolves around her Vampire boyfriend, and she wants to kill herself when he dumps her. She desperately wants to become a Vampire, so they can be "together forever". Other than that, she has no interest in a career, hobbies, or any other aspect of identity or life. All she wants is to stare at her boyfriends "perfect face". She is often helpless, and needs to be rescued.
  • True Blood- Sookie is sassy, independent, daring but naive, and has a strong sense of her morality. She has no desire to become a Vampire. She isn't on "helpless victim" standby, she's the one that gets out there and does the rescuing. 

The Vampires:

  • Twilight- They are immortal, dead, creatures, yes. But they have no fangs, no allergies, and only sparkle in the sunlight instead of bursting into flames. For some reason even though they are a century old they enjoy going to high school, and hanging out with mindless teenagers. They don't drink blood from people. They drink from Grizzlies, and other endangered large wildlife instead. They don't sleep, so at night Edward creeps into Bella's room to stare at her, and she doesn't find this creepy at all. They make being a Vampire seem exciting, because they get to play high speed baseball, live in a mansion, and pretty much do whatever they want. And still... these centenarians prefer to hang out in a high school. Which would make you question their mental stability. 
  • True Blood- More of the traditional Vampire archetype. They have fangs, they need to feed on human blood to survive (or synthetic blood), die during the daytime, have allergies to silver, and get smoky and crispy if sunlight touches their skin. (That's part of the point! You have to balance the "powerful" parts with weaknesses).They are "out of the coffin" and try to fit in with normal society, but their blood has become an illegal drug because it gets people high. Sometimes they are kidnapped so humans can suck their blood.

Vampire Characters:
  • Edward Cullen is a weakling that was dying of the Spanish flu. He is polite, can read minds (but apparently that makes no difference, because he never really does anything with his power), plays the piano, and doesn't really seem to have much internal motivation except for brooding and gelling his hair, and finding his soulmate, with whom they can brood and do their hair together. He is an 108 year old virgin. 
  • Eric Northman is a 1,000 year old 6'5 freakin' Viking that can FLY and speaks in a sexy Swedish voice. He owns a bar called Fangtasia, and he's also a Vampire Sheriff. He is bold, cocky, mischievous, manipulative, and kills people- but he is also tactful, intelligent, playful and with a great sense of humour. He styles his hair, but also has better things to do, making the plot much more interesting. He doesn't brood. He actually enjoys being a Vampire. He has fangs and growls. He has had so much sex that he's a complete expert- for 6 hours straight. 

Eric Northman is my imaginary stalker

Also, Twilight pretty much ripped off the books True Blood are based on- which came out 4 years before Twilight. Oh, but apparently the plot of twilight "came to her in a dream".

Buffy killing Edward


  1. I expect you'll like the Buffy vs. Edward fan video, in which Edward gets what he deserves. I thought it was great.

  2. Thanks, it was so awesome I had to add it!


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