Facing expressions

Facial expressions are a universal part of being human. You are born with the ability and instinct to smile, frown, grimace, and scowl. Facial movements are intimately connected with emotions and thought processes, and act as a messaging system for social interactions. There was never a time when someone chose what happiness should look like, or how we should act when we are sad. We inherited these movements, and the use of them normally does not require conscious thought. They are also contagious in a crowd, and greatly influence the emotional states of other people who perceive them.


There are slight cultural differences in how expressions are formed and perceived, but overall, all human beings share this mutual "language". This is a useful language, because it means people don't have to think much about what is going on in the background with their expressions, and can use their "brain space" for other types of thinking. 


But humans are also born with the ability to deceive. People can monitor their facial expressions to suit their needs, and mask or manipulate them at will. That's how we are able to have actors, politicians, and successful criminals. However, apart from oscar winning actors, most people are not completely successful in hiding their true feelings.  Paul Ekman is the most well known psychologist on this subject. He uses subtle facial clues to detect what people are actually feeling. (The show Lie to Me is based on that guy.)


The expression and suppression of facial expressions are two different systems, as is the awareness itself of what your face is doing and what it means. Some muscles cannot be controlled voluntarily, and are only "activated" during a genuine expression of emotion.


Most people are able to integrate these actions into one flawless movement, most of which happens "unconsciously" and without direct attention. 


When someone runs into a coworker they don't like, they automatically play the "fake smile" while carrying on some small talk. When someone experiences some schadenfreude and doesn't want to seem like a nasty human being, they suppress the lurking joyful smirk from others. 


Normally, you just need the tiniest bit of inclination to perform these actions and they all come together for you instantly, while you are busy thinking about other things in your minds eye.


I do not have this experience. 


I am very oblivious to what is going on with my face. I can feel muscle movements, but it is difficult for me to translate those muscle movements into an understanding of what my face looks like to others. I feel upward motions, I feel downward motions. It is very difficult for me to manipulate the expressions I experience though. 


(It's sort of like trying to practice dance moves in complete darkness, and then choreographing a brand new dance in complete darkness.) 


I use the word experience, because these expressions do happen automatically when I am experiencing emotions, in pain, frustrated, confused, etc. It is more that I "allow" them to happen. Monitoring them, and transforming them, is another thing altogether.


If I am trying to remember something; if I am trying to observe another human beings; if I am "busy" doing other cognitive things- then I am often completely oblivious to what is going on with my face. If I suddenly want to, I can't just "pay attention" to my face. I have to wait and put everything else away and consciously try to focus on what the movements feel like, and then basically, guess. The only time I 'know" what my face looks like is when I am looking into a mirror.


There is one "wave" from below that rises in the movement of expressions. Another "wave" from above takes control and rides with the other wave to transform and twist the movements of my facial muscles. Most of the time, these do not operate well together. 


For example, if I happen to think something is hilarious but I am in a situation where that would be inappropriate, I struggle to suppress a smile and probably look quite goofy. The best I can do is remove an expression from my face, instead of "changing it" to an expression of my choice. 


Normally, emotions and expressions are tied together and revolve around each other. If you smile you will feel happy, or at least a slightly positive feeling. This is normally an automatic response. But if I smile, I feel nothing for a few seconds and then a wave of pleasant feeling interrupts my awareness. It is not simultaneous. My facial movements and emotions are often "out of sync". So sometimes emotions are delayed and happen out of context, or after the fact. That is why sometimes it is hard to figure out what emotions I am experiencing. Emotions are not always concrete and separate, they are flowing movements in their own "environment". And sometimes after an emotion has passed, my face will still be "stuck" in an expression after it is no longer relevant. 


When I smile, I can't make it a flirty smile, an amused smile, a smirking smile, or a pity smile. I can just "smile" and then TRY to control the movements a bit in what I think is the right direction. But, as I explained previously, I have very little awareness of whether or not I am "hitting the mark".


And in social situations where there is conversation, I'm too busy translating and framing my thoughts to concentrate on my facial movements. This may mean if I am frustrated about something (like not being able to properly convey my thoughts) I might have a frustrated look on my face and be completely oblivious about it. The other person may take this to mean that I am frustrated with THEM, or even that I am angry at them, because these expressions are similar. And then their face may show their dislike for my expression, but I might not notice that, or if I do, I won't know why they are feeling that way, because I'm thinking my face is "normal". 


It seems if I let my right brain handle things in my "receiving" non-verbal mode, then I can much more efficiently control the flowing of these emotional movements, and my emotions and expressions are much more "in sync" with each other. However, as I mentioned previously in another post, when I am in this state I don't have access to many words and I don't have access to my "library memory"- only the shifting associative right brain memory. This is okay for general going about in the world, but it is not good for socializing where you are expected to participate in conversations and interact with other human beings and timing counts. You can't really say "hang on for 10 seconds, I have something to say but I have to access my memory first". 


When people "connect" with each other, this is not a metaphor. They are literally, physiologically, connecting with their emotional organs. People who are "in sync" with each other will have perfectly matching facial expressions, and they will absorb and immediately respond to the expression of the other without having to think about it at all. They will take on the characteristics of the other person, unconsciously. This gives people the feeling of being "comfortable" with a person. Sales people know this, and are keen on matching peoples expressions and mannerisms in order to gain their trust and interest in a product. This is called mirroring.


Because I am not able to do this properly, people often feel "uncomfortable" around me, and think that I am "distant". 


When I am in left brain "transmitting mode", which is the majority of the time, since it takes less concentration to maintain, then I am "farther away" from my emotions, and it is like they are blocked off in another room. It is MUCH more difficult to spontaneously create expressions. This is where I go to immediately "turn off" an expression. When I am here, and have access to my library memory, music, and spatial skills, etc., its like half of me is missing. It is much more difficult to immediately respond. For example, if I am walking down the street and I see someone I know, I might have the desire to smile, but it will take 5 seconds to get "cognitively prepared" to be able to smile- even though I might be happy to see them and might be "smiling" inside. It just won't show. Or, I will try to smile and it will come out looking like a bad fake smile, and that person might think I'm faking it because I don't want to see them. 


OR, if I am in a meditative right brain state, I will be able to smile much more quickly, but I will only be able to say  a few short words. 


I am very aware that my two hemispheres are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BRAINS with completely different abilities. I am never a "whole person" that has access to everything at once. Most of the time there are things I can do to compensate in different ways, but interacting with people and making facial expressions will always be quite a challenge for me. This is what bothers me the most. I am bothered that I am not able to communicate in the way I would like to, and be myself with others. I feel very trapped. 


I either have EXAGGERATED expressions, or NO EXPRESSIONS. 


It is quite true when people say over 90% of communication is nonverbal. If you don't have the right facial expressions, it doesn't matter what you are saying AT ALL in many cases. People will disregard what you are saying and make up their own opinions of you based on what they see from your face, and body posture (which I am also not good at). If you don't do things "right"- people might automatically dislike you, despite the fact that the conversation seems to be going well, and nothing you say will confirm what they have imagined about you (that you are in a bad mood, you are clumsy and unintelligent, passive, cold, unfriendly, etc.). 


I used to be bothered a lot by this, since I couldn't understand it, since I am always listening to what people say FIRST and considering everything else a distant second. But now I understand that people don't choose to feel that way, that my signals get sent to them and it makes them "feel" negative things about me, not "know" negative things about me. It's not something most people can consciously control. Most people tend to trust their "instincts", or "snap judgement" or "gut feeling" about a person. Now that I understand this, it is much easier to accept. I know people are not rejecting me as a person, or what they see as a person, but the illusory feelings they experience while attempting to communicate with me. They actually don't see me at all. 

Worldwide Empathy?

This is awesome.
I just came across this neat pictorial representation of Jeremy Rifkin presenting The Empathic Civilization. Since I'm a visual thinker, I really appreciated the animations. It's the perfect intro for understanding the mirror neuron process.

As I mentioned previously, Empathy is a neurological process. It is not an abstract, or "psychological imagination" based concept. We are hardwired to be group animals that communicate emotionally. We have the capacity to intimately communicate with each other, as well as other beings. 


If you don't have access to this stream of information, social interactions can be very cognitively demanding. 


Many people are unclear as to the difference in meaning between Empathy, Sympathy, and Compassion.

I'll start with Compassion. Compassion is more of an intellectual exercise, that leads to the path of understanding another's situation by realizing the steps that led to that situation. You can technically have compassion for anyone, or anything. It takes work. That's why there aren't a lot of compassionate people these days. Nobody believes they have the time to contemplate the life history of others.

I like this explanation from a psychologist that writes about "America's continuing Empathy Deficit disorder".

Empathy vs. Sympathy
To clarify, empathy is different from sympathy. Sympathy reflects understanding another person's situation - but viewed through your own lens. That is, it's based on your version of what the other person is dealing with. ("Yeah, I can sympathize with your problem with your elderly mother, because I have my own problems with mine ..."). A narcissist can be sympathetic in this way.

Such a self-centered focus is similar to what some people think love is when they're really enthralled with their own feeling of being "in love," rather than loving the reality of who their partner is, as I wrote about in a previous post.

In contrast, empathy is what you feel only when you can step outside of yourself and enter the internal world of the other person. There -- but without abandoning or losing your own perspective -- you can experience the other's emotions, conflicts, or aspirations from within the vantage point of that person's world. That's not telepathy. Research shows that it's a hard-wired capacity in all of us. And that kind of connection builds healthy, mutual relationships -- an essential part of mental health.

However, the mind cannot be of the kind that experiences empathy continuously and frequently. In order for the group to function as a whole and operate defensively, there needed to be a "shut-off" switch that turned the experience of empathy down, or removed the experience of empathy completely from consciousness. In order to kill, we needed to remove ourselves from the sensation of being killed. (Otherwise we would all be acting like Deanna Troi from Star Trek, and having dramatic freak outs.)

That "shut-off" switch, is Identification.

Human minds come pre-prepared to accept the differentiation between Self and Other. There are "cognitive containers" that grasp and hold onto what the Self is, and what is related to the self. You can find this in the self reference effect, and in many aspects of human behaviour, information related to the self is favoured in an irrational way. (For example, the digits of your SIN number can influence what you are willing to pay for things.)

Human brains are filled with information that "anchors" a sense of identity, even if we are unaware of it, because it is not something that is chosen with free will.

This is a very old system, since we have inherited the mental framework built ontop of eons of primate socialization. Chimpanzees also form strong concepts of identity. I once read that a larger group of Chimps split into two separate "tribes". After they had been separated for some time, they came into contact with each other again. Instead of greeting their old companions with friendly behaviour, they were very wary of each other. One chimpanzee however, wanted to socialize. The chimp reached out to an old friend, and touched their shoulder. The other chimp recoiled at the touched, appeared disgusted, and retreated. He then proceeded to take some leaves and vigorously scrub the area where the other chimpanzee had touched him, as if he was trying to "decontaminate" the cooties from the now estranged tribe. (But, they don't seem to be "racist" against this albino chimpanzee!)

The concept of Identity being such a strong force, seems nearly crazy, and unbelievable at first. One of the scientists who discovered mirror neurons in action even said: "It took us several years to believe what we were seeing."But with more and more research being done with mirror neurons, it seems Identity is actually a biological process, not an arbitrarily chosen personal philosophy. The mirror neurons "learn" from experience what we consider to be our Identity, and then they form a cognitive framework around that, determining when and with whom empathy can be experienced.

Mirror neurons not only influence our thoughts, they determine what thoughts we are able to have.


For example, there is a significant difference in mirror neuron activity when people view the motor actions of another race. 

This explains how Natzi's were able to have a normal and loving family life, and then go to work and sadistically murder small children. They had dehumanized Jewish people completely, to the state that they were not capable of having an emotional empathetic response during those callous and unbelievably demented acts. The "empathy switch" was working for their families, and children who they saw as German, but not for Jewish children. The murdering of children to them, would have felt as benign as dismantling a mannequin. Therefor, not many questioned these acts. They didn't "feel bad about it", so found these acts to be applicable to their moral framework. Hitler did not send out an "evil wave" and brainwash an entire country. What he did, through propaganda that influences the mind, was to systematically rewire the brains of the German people to feel nothing for Jewish people. Or, if anything, a searing hatred and disgust that justified their actions.

Genocide is the dark side of empathy. I am currently reading "The Lucifer Effect" by Philip Zimbardo, the guy who designed the Stanford Prison experiment, causing a bunch of college students to have mental breakdowns. I'll probably write more about the evil half of empathy later.

But what is the good news?

The Good news, is that Identity is very flexible, as the video explains. We can "trick" our minds into accepting the identity characteristics of citizen, family member, job position, music taste, into our Identity repertoire.

In theory then, it is possible that we can extend our concept of empathy to include the entire human race. But this must be done through culture, art, and experience. Simply saying "I am a citizen of the world, one of 6 billion other citizens of the world" does not create an identity framework for empathy. Humans are reactive, intuition and emotion based creatures. Words and facts, do not chance minds. Identity is centered in the landscape of the "right brain", a place where associations instead of logic, proliferate.

Narcissism, and being highly self absorbed, creates an Identity that is highly ego/self based. When one views the world as existing "around" and apart from the self (somewhat like how autistic people are forced to see the world), instead of having an identity that incorporates a surrounding community and network, the brain forms an Identity that is highly deficient in Empathy. Seeing as how our society is becoming ultra individualistic with the use of social networking websites, children being brought up today are being taught that they are a unique being and everything is being connected TO them, instead of WITH THEM. (The terrifying consequences of this could be an entire generation full of thoughtless narcissists.)

Personally, I was not sure if I experienced Empathy, or not. I am constantly glued into my own perspective- I can't even experience two emotions at once, let alone process the feelings of another person simultaneously. When I was about 12 and came across the concept of Empathy, I was confused, and scared because I didn't experience that. (Nobody had mentioned anything about mild autism at that point.) I was worried that other people would consider me a cold monster, even though in different ways I cared for other people and the rest of the world deeply.

Now I realize that I do in fact have Empathy, but it is locked away behind a door, and difficult to reach in the maze of my mind. I can find this in my consciousness while watching movies sometimes, but this process becomes extremely overwhelming and my own emotions "drown", because of my hyper-focused conscious experience. It's as if I start to disappear, and I am being "absorbed" by the experiences of the other person. If I am in this "room" it is not possible to speak, or interact properly with the other person, because I can not reach the place where language is. I get thrown into "The Pit"- the place where primitive emotions reside. In that place, I become disoriented and lose control of my consciousness. It doesn't matter what type of emotion it is, whether it is anxiety or sadness, or the intensity. When my consciousness is hyper-focused on The Pit, it is not a pleasant experience. So I imagine that I might have "blocked it off" behind a door, a long time ago, in order to have the ability to interact with the rest of the world properly. So for most of the time, I don't have this automatic social information that everyone takes for granted. I have to use a lot more of my cognitive energy to figure out what is going on.

For many autistic spectrum people, this is also their experience, going strongly against the ridiculous stereotype that "autistic people do not experience any emotions." The empathy is simply too overwhelming, and takes the center stage drowning out other multiple cognitive processes. So those processes are sectioned off, and blocked out. Here is an article that discusses that theory. Recent research suggests that there is a functioning mirror neuron system in Autistics, but the information is not being processed and handled by the brain properly. Other studies claim the mirror neurons are firing, but delayed, sending confusing information to the brain. One researcher describes it as: “These children are really not unemotional, they do want to interact, it’s just difficult for them,” says Markram, “It’s quite sad because these are quite capable people but the world is just too intense, so they have to withdraw.”

Psychopaths/narcissists are the very opposite. Psychopaths can often be experts at figuring out the mental states of others, and have superior mimicking and social skills. Many are said to appear "charming". But this emotional information is not attached to their emotional experience. It is if they are watching other people behind a thick glass wall. They can understand very well the feelings of others, but they are never touched by them.

Psychopaths, science seems to be telling us, have unique brain abnormalities, and appear to be born rather than made. But most psychopaths do not become serial killers. (Many probably become lawyers, or politicians.) The psychopathic brain, PLUS childhood abuse, appears to be the recipe for serial-killing.

Narcissists however, are created. And consequently, they can in theory change and grow to experience Empathy, if they want to.

Autistic people on the other hand, are in a fog, struggling to see the people on the other side, off in the distance. Sometimes the fog breaks, and Empathy shines through. But most of the time it is obscured and distorted.

Besides the feeling of Empathy, mirror neurons have been implicated in many different cognitive processes, giving us a new picture of how the "scaffolding of the brain" is developed.


For more information on mirror neurons and Empathy, I suggest reading "Mirroring People: The New Science of How We Connect to Others" and "The Age of Empathy: Natures Lessons for a Kinder Society".

The difference between understanding, and being, in autism

This is a continuation of my previous posting, on the differences between autistic and neurotypical consciousness. This is something many people don't think about when confronted with the communication problems associated with autism.

People automatically assume that you are a person, with intents and emotions and ideas, and that you, like them, have the ability to fluidly control these aspects of identity. When communication is impaired, people believe that the problem is a lack of understanding, and a lack of awareness.

These points may also be factors, but what many people do not understand, is that you can have understanding of social relationships, and an awareness of a situation, but lack THE ABILITY to properly interact.

As a child, I was permanently confused. I didn't understand why the other children wouldn't' play with me, and why they had such strange behaviours. Things such as "forming groups"- the other kids when told would automatically and quickly decide who to work with, without saying anything out loud to each other. To me, it seemed pretty much like magic ESP. So, I was usually picked last for everything, and had to be "assigned" a group by a teacher.

To "normal people" socializing seems very natural and "easy". It just happens. But socializing is actually a very intensive process, and many things are going on in the brain at once.

But I made the effort in attempting to understand psychology and human behaviour, and now people are no longer so mysterious. (Thank Gawd for the internet.) I also read a lot as a kid, and novels taught me more about people than people did. (Even if they don't want to, all children on the autistic spectrum who can read should read novels. This helps with the understanding of other peoples emotions and whats generally going on in their heads.)

So with effort, I taught myself to understand, and I began to understand how to be aware. By aware, I mean how to pay attention to signals of other people, as well as being aware of the context and situation.

But, there is a limit to where understanding and awareness can take you.

In my mind, I can design many situations and "scenes" of different types of interactions. I can imagine a situation and then predict what I would like to do. I write occasionally, and can flesh out different characters and dialog in a story. The difference is, that when it is in my mind, I am always able to do what I want to do, and I "have control".

This is difficult for people to understand. They might think "if she can write, and understand these things, then that must mean she is choosing to act improperly." Not so.

In my imagination with effort I can change the tone and volume of my voice, use proper facial expressions, and carry on a conversation or discussion with another person. I can mirror people, walk normally, flirt, or comfort people. But that is imagination. In real life though, these things are extraordinarily difficult to manage in real time, because I do not have the level of control over my consciousness that "neurotypical" people do. It's like imagining yourself to be driving a race car and winning the race, and then ACTUALLY trying to drive a race car and crashing early on.

Also, there is a difference between understanding in the moment, and understanding in reflection. I may misunderstand what is being said, because I don't have enough "brain space" to consider alternate explanations at the time, because my mind is stuck on "one track"- but afterwards I am able to understand when I have the ability to visit the other "tracks" of alternate possibilities.

A few months ago, I walked downtown to attend a major celebration. The kind of event that you will only experience once. Everyone was running through the streets, strangers were hugging and high-fiving, and everyone had the same exuberant, excited expressions on their faces. I had never felt so different and strange in my entire life.

I could not join in. Instead of reflecting that powerful emotion and becoming one with the crowd, most of my brain power went into blocking out the busy hectic environment so that I wouldn't trip over my own feet. Inside I had the desire to join, have a drink, and meet new people, but I could only watch from the inside. That night the only people I managed to talk to were a bum who tried to steal my pop because he thought I secretly had alcohol in it, a clubbing chick who wanted me to affirm that she did not look over 30, and some guy with a weird accent that offered me what he described to be: "some rare herb from somewhere in Africa that causes you to hallucinate bright lights turning into phoenixes while experiencing a unique euphoria." I politely declined that offer, my brain was being screwy enough that night.

If you don't have this ability to absorb and reflect emotional information, it really does seem that people have psychic powers when communicating. I used to be very perplexed as to how people are able to watch what another person is doing, and then voluntarily move their face to match the others expression exactly, and instantly, while talking at the same time. To me, that seems pretty much like reciting Shakespeare while playing tennis. That is because it isn't entirely voluntary. There IS a sort of psychic atmosphere that is created with people: mirror neurons.

People absorb and automatically reflect each others expressions, thus communicating emotionally. They only occasionally voluntarily move their faces around. Add to that, people have a pretty good idea of what facial expressions they are displaying- an objectivity of what others see- and can so voluntarily "tweak" their expressions.

But for me, I have a VERY hard time telling what my face is doing. I tend to have no expression, or very exaggerated expressions. I can feel my facial muscles move (sometimes more, sometimes barely) but it is very difficult to translate those movements into a face, or expression that others see. I lack an "objectivity" of myself in space.

This is one of the reasons why I have been fired from a lot of jobs, I believe. For example, in fast food or labour jobs, there is usually some kind of pain involved, whether its grease burns or a sore back, or a general brain pain from over-stimulation. Even though the pain might not be bothering me that much, (I have a reasonable pain tolerance) it could still be showing on my face, and I can't properly realize AND suppress that expression.

So- to other people, apparently it looks like I'm scowling and being very irritable or sullen. But in reality, it has NOTHING to do with my emotions or what I am thinking at the time. People take this to mean I'm some sort of bitchy person and "not a team player", and "bad customer service" because I have some sort of attitude problem. But believe me, when you are so broke you can barely afford to eat, you'll be a team player to keep your job! For pretty much all of my jobs, I have not been given a real reason for why I was being fired, apart from useless statements like "you don't belong here". Even if I try to mention Asperger's and explain, it doesn't matter. Those kinds of facial expressions make people feel uncomfortable, and they don't want to know why, they just want you GONE.

If I had A CHOICE, I would definitely NOT go around looking like I'm in a bad mood, and have weird expressions. I wish I had the ability to communicate what I'm actually feeling, and to "act" when the situation requires it. To put people at ease, and to appear friendly, warm, and confident. My life would be entirely different. But people never see me as these things. They just automatically assume I have a negative sort of personality, and that I choose to be that way. But in reality, I might be perfectly calm, and have nothing negative floating around in my head. This is also worse because I am female, I believe. Everyone assumes girls will be more sociable and outgoing.

I wish I had a magic machine that allowed me to switch consciousness with someone else, so they could see what being trapped in this kind of mind is really like, and how much of what happens is not a choice at all.

That you don't have the ability to be yourself. That its an ongoing struggle to be present and communicate.

The chambers of my mind

It has been mostly in the last year that I began forcing myself into a more "introspective" mode, practicing mindfulness, and basically making an effort to understand why my brain doesn't let me do what I want to do.

I used to think, that if I took up the task of understanding human behaviour, and tried to become more skilled with non-verbal communication, that I could learn how to be a normal human and everything would be fine and dandy and I could have a normal life.

Because I have never had what can be called a normal life. I can barely remember events from my childhood and teenage years because my mind has changed so much. Much of that time was spent being extremely confused, and alone. I had a couple friends, but much of the time I was left sitting around wondering why the other kids were laughing at me.

But...nope. I was quite disappointed to find, that although in my imagination I am able to reproduce all kinds of social situations and act accordingly, in real life I still come across as an idiotic weirdo.

In theory, I can understand the actions and motives of others, and how I should respond appropriately, or, how to express myself. But when I am within the situation, it is not possible for me to do so. This is because my consciousness is hyper-focused, and I can't even multi-talk enough to listen to what someone is saying, pay attention to their behaviour, and think and talk at the same time.

I can't be in all of my brain at once. I can never just "be myself".

There are a lot of studies that describe problems with white matter connectivity in autism, differences in the corpus callosum (the thingy that connects your two brains) or mini-columns. This means that there are problems with long distance communication in different areas of the brain. This seems to be very true in my case.

For me, I can only really "use" one hemisphere of my brain at a time. There are a lot of processing delays for tasks that switch between hemispheres.

The two hemispheres of the brain are differentiated in a number of ways, which I won't bother to explain, but basically the right brain handles global processing, different types of attention, conceptual and metaphorical thought, emotions and empathy, and some types of creativity. The left handles contextual, fact based, sequential, logical thought, and other stuff like music.

When my consciousness is situation in my right brain, it feels like the other half is in the darkness, waiting. When I'm there, I find it much easier to observe the environment, because it's easier to "see the big picture", and interpret gestures and facial expressions. BUT- in this place I do not have a very high vocabulary, and it is difficult to think in some ways. So while I can listen, and watch, it is very difficult to respond in the way I would like to respond.

Since I do not have very many verbal thoughts, translating my thoughts can be difficult in the right hemisphere, having a smaller vocabulary of often used words. It's like I'm floating in the ocean, scrambling to pull together debris to build a raft. I can only grab and use what is close to me.

This means my wording is often very clumsy, and I often come across as a nonsensical simple-minded idiot. When in this mode, half the words that come out of my mouth are inadequate representations of my thoughts. It is easier for me to type my thoughts, than it is to speak. This has absolutely nothing to do with anxiety, or having words "on the tip of your tongue". It doesn't matter what mood I'm in, or if I'm constructing thought out loud, or within my mind. I think that bothers me the most, and it is extremely frustrating to experience. I would never be recruited for a debate team.

In opposition, when I am in the left side, the library of my brain, I can articulate myself far easier, and recall information much more easily. BUT- I can't really look at someone at the same time, or be very communicative, and pay attention to my environment. If I do this, I experience cognitive traffic jams, and discomfort.

I think this is the reason why it's far easier to talk about information, or "facts", than it is to talk about myself or construct arguments. It's like pulling a book off a shelf. It's already written.

So I am stuck in either "transmitting mode", or "receiving mode", and being in both places at once, to be fully aware and a whole person, is nearly impossible. If it happens at all, it is for very brief moments.

I have to poke my consciousness around like an amoeba, directing it to where I want it to go, and which process I want to focus on. I cannot simply desire to speak, and speak. I cannot simply want to hear music in my head, and hear music. I first have to re-arrange my mind in order to do that.

This is not immediate. There are delays in switching processes, which may be 6-10 seconds.

I also can't concentrate on speaking and adequately feel my body in space at the same time. I often feel half of my body more than the other. I have always been clumsy, and while I'm getting better at it, I often have bruises. It is also very difficult to imagine an objective understanding of the environment, and what other people are thinking.

There is a large, impassable cavern between understanding, and being.

Order in a state of chaos

This is an introduction to this blog, so I first have to make clear a few things.

We do not enter this world naked, alone and trembling. We are not an unprepared canvas, waiting for the colours of experience to paint our lives, as most people will believe. Babies do not really experience their first moments as "one great blooming, buzzing confusion."

Babies actually come with a lot of programming pre-installed. I suggest checking out cracked.com's informative article on BABY SUPER POWERS.

We are also not rational, philosophical, mentally infinite beings capable of escaping the nature from which we came, either. Sorry.

The common belief is that we have this special ethereal substance called "intelligence", and because we're so darn intelligent we just put 2 and 2 together and come up with the answers for explaining how the world works.

But we are born human, and live human. We just don't notice how human we are, because we're always hanging out with other humans and doing humany things. Most humans believe everything they do makes perfect sense, and that the world they live in is the way it is, because...that's just "the way it is". They have no desire, or need, to question their behaviours, and believe that anybody who does so is either a neurotic social scientist, or an idiot.

For people on the autistic spectrum, human behaviour is extremely confusing, and sometimes seemingly inexplicable. That is because autistic people are forced to "learn as they go along." Temple grandin called herself "An anthropologist on Mars". And Asperger's syndrome is sometimes referred to as "Wrong Planet Syndrome". Autistics essentially remain foreigners in the culture that they are born into. And in this case, it may be that the world they are born into is indeed a buzzing confusion.

The human brain does many things "for us" that we are not aware of. Human beings, and their minds, naturally connect when socializing. A human child is essentially a "social sponge", built to mimic the actions of others, to quickly incorporate language, and to readily accept cultural norms. This is one of the main differences that separate us from other apes. Great apes can match toddlers on a variety of cognitive tests but fail in this crucial area. They are capable of complicated mimicry, and can learn a series of actions, but they do not have this compulsion to copy, and the immediate mental understanding of another's mind that human children do. (Although being social creatures they do have a high amount of social awareness.)

We are hard wired to connect with each other, and to experience empathy. Some people understand empathy and compassion to be interchangeable, but neuroscience is now showing us that empathy is in fact a neurological process, not a psychological exercise of thought like having compassion. I understand empathy to mean the immediate, intuitive understanding of another's emotional state. Compassion, however, is the intellectual exercise of imagination that attempts to understand another's mind by examining the situation and relevant factors.

The study of mirror neurons has been called "The DNA of psychology" because it bring together concepts in psychology to the realm of "hard science". Mirror neurons have been implicated as one of the reasons to explain autistic spectrum disorders, and the difficulty with social learning and empathy. Autistics then, are missing the "social sponge". They have to learn with effort what comes naturally to others. However, there is conflicting research on this subject. Some studies seem to show a reduction in mirror neuron function, others report normal mirror neuron functions, and some claim that Autistic people have empathy, but it some cases it is too overwhelming, or "blocked out" of the conscious mind. In any case, difficulty with understanding the mind of others is a primary symptom of autistic spectrum disorders.

People also assume that what they experience is what all other people experience. Most people have the sensation of being a solid entity, observing the world as if they are looking out from their brain into the world around them. They have "top down" perceptions of the world, their thoughts and conceptual understandings shaping what they see, and do not see, around them. Objects are solid, obey the laws of physics, and experience tells us what to expect from them. They can navigate easily through this world, and most of the time, they are lost in thought on autopilot, and barely notice it.

For normal people, the concept of the world being "chaotic" to autistic people is very difficult to understand. They wonder why autistic people react strangely to things which are seemingly normal, and seemingly easy to comprehend and learn. That is because they are trying to think this through with their neurotypical brains, and have the impressions that I described above, that they figured things out for themselves.

The mind of autism is a place of both chaos, and structured order. There are many symptoms of autism, and some are affected by sensory perceptions more than others, but most experience the world very differently.

One helpful analogy is that of a computer. There is a large hard drive and fast processor, but the RAM memory is too low. So when too many processes are running at the same time, the computer freezes or crashes. Normal people can easily operate 10 programs at once, while autistic people can only operate maybe 3, people with Asperger's 5 or 6.

For myself, I have trouble navigating everyday life because at times I can feel my body, while other times it is difficult to find or I only feel half of my body. If I try to do too many things at once (like walk, talk, navigate, and pay attention to the environment!) I have the sensation that the world is "rushing in", and I do not have a choice whether I want to see it or not. My consciousness, the "I", is what is left over from this influx of sensory information. So, my thought, and the type of thoughts I am able to have, are limited by my environment.

If I am in a busy environment, it is very difficult for me to interact and think within this context. If I relax, and stop struggling to remain present, I have the feeling that I almost disappear, and the world has consumed me.

I understand intellectually that the world is not a "chaotic" place, but for my consciousness it's as if I'm being tossed around in a storm next to a ledge that leads to nothingness.

My mind is constantly switched to "local processing" mode, which means it always focuses on the small parts instead of the whole. This may not make much sense for normal people, but seeing with the eyes, and seeing with the brain are too completely different things, (although the eyes are the brain..but I'm making this too confusing.)

I have the ability to perceive an entire object, but this takes concentration and time, and it is often cognitively painful. It is not immediate. Because of this, my brain doesn't easily interpret the borders and boundaries of objects. Instead, I have to "connect the dots" of details, and sometimes I use repetitive movement to help navigate by helping me to locate borders. If I don't do this, and try to appear "normal", I will find myself stumbling and knocking into things. It also helps me place my body in space.

I experience cognitive pain frequently. This pain can be described as sort of like the sensation you get when you hear nails on a chalkboard, or when you look at the sun. Nails running across a chalkboard isn't "loud", but it creates a very irritated sensation in the brain. Most autistic people experience the same thing. When my brain is overwhelmed, there are mental traffic jams of information processing. It feels like ripples of buzzing electricity colliding.

This makes social interaction difficult, and eye contact especially difficult. Most people think the lack of eye contact is due to anxiety, or the fact that autistic people don't know any better, but eye contact is also very irritating to the brain, and might cause some cognitive "traffic jams". So for autistic people, it is far easier to communicate when they are staring at a blank surface, or another region of the persons face. This is probably due to the fact that the eyes move a lot, but also because the brain has a lot of processing that is specific to faces, and the sensation may in fact be overwhelming because "too many programs are running."

So yep, in my mind, I understand how the world works, and after studying people for about 10 years I understand how they work. But that is in my mind, when my mind is in a restful state. When I am "in the world", this understanding is lost, and the familiar becomes strange, and chaotic.