Smile, or Die

I absolutely loathe the "positive thinking" law of attraction new age movement, and the Oprah beast- for helping to brainwash millions of people into believing they live in their own solipsistic magical reality that they can control with happy thought vibrations. (How you can manipulate your mind into believing in both a Christian God and a personal universe that you control, using some vague understanding of quantum mechanics, is a mental feat beyond my imagination. In a way, I congratulate those who are able to function with that level of cognitive dissonance.)

I don't need to hear one more person tell me that the reason why my life went to hell, and the reason why I experienced abuse, is because I "was not sending out positive energy waves to the universe." And, as soon as I realize the error of my ways, and start blasting positive thought beams, my life will turn around into a fantastical orgy of good fortune. (Just shut the fuck up. That advice is completely not helpful. Please keep your imaginary mind beam leprechauns to yourself.)

If something bad happens to you, it's ALWAYS your fault. You must have been having some negative thoughts, and sending out negative magnetic vibrations so that the universe pummeled you with misfortune. I love the part in the video where the author of "The Secret" claims that the reason the '06 Tsunami happened was because the people must have done it to themselves by being too negative in their minds. I wonder if she said anything like that about 9/11? I doubt it.

Some old guy: "This Secret, gives you everything you want. Happiness, health, and wealth." 

That's right. They aren't claiming this method will slightly improve your life. They are claiming that you can literally get ANYTHING you want.
Check out the film version of this book. It's very entertaining for a laugh when you're drunk. The author claims she had a breakdown from an overachieving lifestyle, and then "discovered" The Secret- and just knew she had to share this vital information to the rest of mankind. She claims that pretty much every important person in history used The Secret, from Di Vinci to Einstein (Being intelligent and hardworking had nothing to do with it, they were just really good at magical wishes), and that bad people who like negativity "repressed" this information.



Old guy in a suit again: "Everything that is coming into your life, YOU are attracting into your life. And it's attracted to you by virtue of the images you are holding in your mind! Wise people have always known that."

Usually when people claim images in their mind influence galactic energies that bend the universe to their will they are called psychotic. But when a grandfatherly looking guy in a suit says it, it's wisdom.

It gets better.

Old guy in suit:"Why do you think that 1% of the population earns around 96% of the money being earned? Do you think that's an accident? It's no accident! It's designed that way! They understand The Secret! And YOU are being introduced to The Secret!" 

So now we can forget about world history, economics, and capitalism. The real reason why so many rich assholes are successful, is because they are wise and understand how to use their mind powers to make the universe grant their wishes. (Even if by granting those wishes, they create poverty and destruction.) The hungry people on the bottom, spend too much time moping around in their ignorance, so their wishes are never granted.

Did you get cancer?

Mugged and raped?

Your kid died in a car accident?

Oops! Should have thought more positively!

So basically their advice is to walk around in your own oblivious bliss bubble, and everything will work out just fine on its own. No need to prepare, work hard, or plan for accidents. The universe senses your powerful thought waves, and reorganizes the world to suit you. It doesn't matter if your wishes negatively impact other people- they must have deserved it, otherwise the universe wouldn't have done that to them.

Old guy:"Now if you don't understand it, it doesn't mean you should reject it! You don't understand electricity probably. First of all, we don't even understand what electricity is! And yet...you enjoy the benefits of it. Do you know how it works? I don't know how it works. But I do know this- You can cook a man's dinner with electricity. And you can also cook the man." (ummm...what? This guys thoughts sound a little creepy.)

Yes, that's it. Don't bother thinking about it. It's just too hard to understand , like that darned whimsical electricity, that we've been using for 200 years. But if all these confident successful looking people in the video says it's true, it must be! Plus they have a soundtrack with ethereal vocal music, and dramatic reenactments to prove they know how history really went down. People wouldn't go to the trouble to do historical reenactments for lies. (Or maybe....do you think they are confident and successful because they managed to trick millions of people into buying their books and courses?) Just give them money, and all will be well. Don't bother thinking about world issues, poverty, crime, global warming, or your responsibility as a citizen. Those thoughts will just make you feel bad, and then you will get robbed by a Somalian gang, you will lose your job in  the recession, and your house will flood because of global warming. All you have to do to avoid those things, is to be positive! And never give money to poor people, that just encourages their lazy negative thoughts.

Black dude with braids:"Because it has been proven scientifically, that an affirmative thought is hundreds of times more powerful, than a negative thought."

"You are the Michelangelo of your own life!"


This Bullshit with a capital B, is like a zillion times worse than Scientology. It completely enhances the narcissistic fantasy that the world revolves around you, to the point where THE WORLD ACTUALLY REVOLVES AROUND YOU. And yet it has the facade of being more benign than Scientology, or other evil insane cults, because unlike Scientology texts, you can find The Secret in every bookstand in the world.

Not only does it create sadly delusional people, but it creates callous judgmental people who care nothing for others in difficult situations because they believe those people did it to themselves with their weak negative thoughts.

What about the people that enjoy things like killing children, or keeping sex slaves? If they have positive thoughts about those things, does the magic universe genie grant their wishes too? Does it only punish bad children who weren't wise enough to have constant positive thoughts?

This mental virus needs to be banned. All the books need to be collected, and thrown into the Mariana Trench, and the people who still believe in this even though they still don't have 500 Million and a pony, need a firm slap in the face. Plus a trip to the Congo, so they can kindly spread the word that the reason why everyone is poor and hungry and enslaved is because they keep having negative thoughts.

Fucking magnets, how do they work?