Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Self Esteem

As I wrote before, our culture is obsessed with self loving. You are supposed to somehow "find yourself" and then "love yourself" even if you are a jerk, or a drug addict. While other cultures think you shouldn't be in love with yourself, if you clearly don't deserve it. You should feel shame instead.

I don't really know how self-esteemy I can really be. Because, what self am I supposed to be loving?

Self #1-The potential self- the disembodied spirit in the broken machine- The one that doesn't exist, and could never come to exist, outside of the machine. The person I wish I was when I have the use of my imagination, and the complete control of my body and mind, in my imagination.

Or...

Self#2- the actual, broken machine, that The Thing that endlessly frustrates me, that I have to fight with constantly. The one that everybody else sees, and the only one that can be said to "exist". The one that breaks down, the one with static on the radio, the one with faulty circuits, the one with sharp teeth, the one with rusty gears. The one that invites the demons in and locks the door.

I don't want to love The Thing that is self#2. And how can you really love a ghost?




My Body is a Cage- Arcade Fire

My body is a cage

That keeps me from dancing with the one I love

But my mind holds the key


My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

I'm standing on the stage
Of fear and self-doubt
It's a hollow play
But they'll clap anyway

My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

Standing next to me
My mind holds the key

I'm living in an age
That calls darkness light
Though my language is dead
Still the shapes fill my head

I'm living in an age
Whose name I don't know
Though the fear keeps me moving
Still my heart beats so slow

My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

Standing next to me
My mind holds the key

My body is a . . .

My body is a cage
We take what we're given
Just because you've forgotten, that don't mean you're forgiven

I'm living in an age
That screams my name at night
But when I get to the doorway
There's no one in sight

I'm living in an age
Realizing I'm dancing
With the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're still next to me
My mind holds the key
Set my spirit free
Set my spirit free
Set my body free




Blinding- Florence and the Machine

Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state

A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake
No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber
Until I realise that it was you who held me under

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back
Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open
And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuitboards
Synapse slipping through the hidden door
Snow White's stitching up the circuitboard

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuitboards
Synapse slipping through the hidden door
Snow White's stitching up the circuitboard
Synapse slipping through the hidden door 

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